Woo! it’s been 3 months, time flies by when you’re not hating yourself or wanting to die. I guess we should start with that. My mood is drastically better. In the past month thought of suicide are near zero. Note though I’ve attempted suicide only once and that was 10 years ago. I still had thoughts about it until now but never acted on it and I would likely never act on it. But it’s not something I have to worry about anymore. I simply don’t have thoughts of dying for no reason.
I’m almost always in a good mood now, I have my sad moments but I’m seeing more of my personality. Personality, I haven’t seen since I was a kid. This personality, which I can only explain as outgoing, completely disappeared around my male puberty and being hit with depression and dysphoria that came with it. I’m making friends with strangers even, something I was terrified to do. I could never talk to strangers but now I do almost daily.
I’m not saying HRT is some panacea that cures me of all personality flaws. I think it just helped with the depression. Like it helped me find my way out of this dark scary forest that I was lost in. The only issue I’m having with my mood is caring what people think. Something I never cared about before. Friends mean more to me than ever and I’m worried about aspects of my behavior pushing them away. Thankfully I’ve lost no one. But it’s still scary to me.
I’m noticing some other changes related to reduce depression. Things hold my attention better, I’m able to concentrate. Games hold my attention better and I want to stop playing and stop switching games so frequently. This works out well for my stream. I’ve also been more creative having a stronger desire to write and draw but a lack of subject matter is keeping me from doing much. I’m thinking about doing Youtube, although the current state of the site makes me reconsider. So I’ve been making jewelry again.
My thoughts have changed too. It’s kind of weird, the way I approach issues is different. It’s less cold and about reason and more about making sure nothing bad happens. I’m still adjusting but my thought process is very complicated compared to before. I think about the outcomes and other after effects of my solution. I also care about other’s feelings a lot more. The biggest issue is the complexity, I think off a lot of things at once and sometimes I have moments where I’m trying to decide what I should do to pass time. Rather than coming to a solution I decide to do nothing, like I want to do all the things I think of but it’s not possible and I get discouraged. It’s weird.
Sexuality changes, I heard that a lot of trans women start out liking men and then late transition they like women. My thought on this isn’t that sexuality changes it’s that as someone becomes more comfortable with their body and who they are they feel more comfortable expressing their sexuality and exploring it.
That said, before transition I was a gay man. I loved men and I still do. But let me throw up a BIG ASTERISK next to that. Right before I started transitioning a few months before actually I started meeting other trans and nonbinary people. I opened up and found out that gender and sexuality isn’t as simple or black and white as I thought. I dated a few nonbinary people and I thought Pan summed up my sexuality better than gay. Even then I was attracted to women before but I never told anyone. As for the big asterisk next to “I still do” the asterisk is that my sexuality has changed.
I LOVE women. Like before I loved all genders but I never had any experience with cis women and that always kind of freaked me out. I’m attracted to them but I’m nervous about being with them. But now nervousness gone and I dont care. Guys are ok, Nonbinary people are great, and female identifying people drive me wild. Women are gorgeous and wonderful.
I’m gay as hell. But I still love the other genders albeit not as much. I still feel that individuals and their individual personalities matter much more than their gender. I’m not saying I don’t care about gender, I care about people’s genders because it’s important to them and a part fo their identity. So I do care. But it’s not a factor in who I’m capable of developing a relationship with. Me saying I like women more does not mean that I’ll jump ship should a woman come along when I’m dating another gender. I’m saying that I find they very attractive and I find them easier to relate to.
Speaking of relating to people. I relate to women so much more now. I can still joke and hang out with guys and understand things related to them. But I find it harder to relate to men, women are becoming easier to understand and relate to. Women don’t seem complicated to me, and men are coming across as overly simple to me. Socially things are just easier my only worry is being excluded based on being trans.
FINALLY the physical changes. Be warned of possible sexual content from here forward. MY NIPPLES ARE TOO SENSITIVE. I have to wear a sports bra all the time if I’m not sleeping otherwise my nipples get rubbed raw from my shirt. Even when I’m sleeping I’ve taken to wearing a t-shirt because when my fan blows air onto my me my nips get irritated and it keeps me up. At work it gets worse, sometimes I have to hold things close to my chest and that presses against my boobs and I feel a short but very sharp pain. The worst though is when I play with my puppy Gillie he steps on my chest and he has sharp claws and itty bitty peets.
My dick works fine, that’s pretty much all I’ve got to say on that. Active use of it seems to be working. My sex drive remains unchanged, as in I have none besides strong occasional urges. My weight is shifting and I’ve noticed a more feminine shape. My stomach used to stick out like a beer gut where it would stick forward more than adding width to my shape. Now the fat is going to the sides and other places. I’ve considered wearing a corset again to further put a feminine shape in.
My breasts are larger and definitely more noticeable. My nipples are pointier too, typical of early breast growth. Because of this and the sensitivity I’ve taken to wearing bras pretty much all day everyday. You can see my nipples through pretty much every shirt I wear. Thankfully, sports bras are comfy and snug.
I’m starting to dress more feminine in general and I feel more comfortable with feminine things. Like pulling my hair back, or wearing feminine tops. I typically wear a t-shirt and jeans and now I’m wearing more lace and deeper cut necklines and more revealing tops. While it’s not a major change and I still think I’m not the type to wear dresses or a skirt, it is nice that I’m feeling more comfortable in clothing I would never wear before. I just love myself, my body, and where I’m going.
Lastly people have been asking me my pronouns and using gender neutral pronouns. I’m getting called buddy a lot which I hate. Not because of it being gender neutral, I’m fine with that, but it’s just a nickname that your step father or Mother’s boyfriend would call you. I got my fill of Champ, Sport, Buddy, Tiger, and pal when I was 12. But either way neutral pronouns and people asking me my pronouns makes me feel really good and I’m convinced I’m on the right track.